The Lady Garden

Tea and Strumpets

Dear Garth George, I Love You

No, seriously. I was getting really sad about the lack of complete garbage being written about marriage equality. I’d even been to NZConservative, and it’s a bit sad when you can’t rely on Lucia to bring the frothing crazy.

But George has saved me. I love our morally-bankrupt moral guardians. And at least he’s honest:

So, again, why set out after same-sex “marriage”? The answer is it is another step in a decades-long campaign to convince everyone that homosexuals and lesbians are no different from the rest of us and deserve all the rights and privileges known to mankind.

That’s pretty clear, right? “Gay and lesbian” people (the existence of bisexuals being obviously far too confusing for Garth) are different from “us”, and NOT deserving of the same rights. Not just different, but lesser.

Garth trots out the tired, stupid old “marriage is totes for having babies” argument, but even that isn’t sufficiently stupid and restrictive for him. Marriage is for people who want to “have children and to bring them up in a traditional family environment.” It’s not entirely clear what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s “the 1950s”.

Thing is, that’s clearly not what marriage is for. Sort of accidentally, my children have been raised in a two-parent two-child two-cat household where the man goes out to work and the woman stays home and cooks. And we’re not married. Marriage and breeding are obviously two different things that function independently of each other.

I’m also not entirely sure whether Garth thinks I can have kids. Because I’ve had sex with women, and “by their very nature, homosexuals and lesbians cannot reproduce”. I really would like to see Garth asked the question, “Should bisexuals be allowed to get married?” because I suspect he might apoplexy. Having sex with someone of the same gender is a thing you do. Having a child is a thing you do. Neither is a thing you are. Gay people have kids. Straight people have kids using IVF or surrogacy. If this is your best argument, it’s obviously, simply, clearly wrong.

Garth is honest enough to admit that he “doesn’t understand” male homosexuality. It appears there are rather a lot of other things he also doesn’t understand. For instance, “it is disingenuous to complain about rights being taken away when they have never existed in the first place”. You go tell that to Kate Sheppard, Garth. I want to watch.

Also, if you’re quoting stats on civil unions, and you use a bunch of solid, concrete numbers, and then you say “a fair number of which have since been dissolved”, we can work out that you don’t want to tell us what the number is, and therefore it’s probably approximately “buggery fuck all”. (Also, note the comment where Garth is totally taken to school on the stats, it’s a piece of genius.)

Garth, I’d missed you. I’d assumed you’d been tucked away in a little home somewhere, with a blanket tucked over your knees, writing (or cut-and-pasting) furious little columns which your nurse sincerely swore were being published somewhere, honest. I liked to think of you, in a tiny darkened room, watching educational videos to try to understand male homosexuality, and stroking your Services to Journalism.

Turns out you’re still being published. Who knew?

8 responses to “Dear Garth George, I Love You

  1. MJ August 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Also, note the comment where Garth is totally taken to school on the stats, it’s a piece of genius.

    WHY THANK YOU. I do try :D

    • Emma August 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm

      Excellent. I wasn’t sure whether to hat-tip you on that, given it was under a different name.

      • MJ August 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

        Ha, yeah no worries. The Kiwiana Inked blog is pretty obviously me ’cause of all the SlutWalk speeches and rantings on there so I don’t mind being acknowledged on it when I’m using my real name :)

  2. nikkitheknitter August 20, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    I lost the plot at the end there and laughed so much I cried.
    Ah Garth.

  3. Deborah August 20, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    I didn’t realise that he was still getting published anywhere.

    It’s interesting how little anti marriage equality stuff is around, unless you care to read the comments sections on some blogs.

  4. Craig August 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I thought he was dead! Damn it- but thank you, Emma. Hilarious!

  5. Brooke August 30, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    Omg I dies laughinf when I went to click on ur links and “Utter Bollocks” and “plagarising bastards” came up.

    This is a brilliant peice of writing. I am sad that Georges articles don’t get published much though, we need more comedy in this world.

  6. Brooke August 30, 2012 at 11:30 pm

    Also reading that article, I’ve just noticed that Garth stil has a hotmail address for his email. Somehow that makes it all the more funnier

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