OK. Let’s just get the irony of someone complaining that women liking porn turns men into rapists calling said women “whores” out of the way, shall we? HAH! Don’t like violence against women? How about you don’t commit it yourself.
Want to know what I’m talking about? Well. Let me take you on a little journey. But first, a warning. A number of us here at TLG are short of spoons this week. And patience. A number of the things discussed in this post might be triggering. I’m not going to put up with any bullshit in the comments, and that includes rape-apologism, concern trolling, and flat out misogyny. Per the comments policy, don’t be a dick.
So. Here we go. On Saturday, someone tweeted the Garden Ladies to warn us about this article. Rightly. I read the headline, thought, yeah, nah, I’m not reading that. Emma did, and pronounced it bollocks. So did FOTLG Constance. And that’s where all this gets interesting. Constance posted her column on the WYFC Facebook page. To be met with this comment.
Are you fucking serious. If these are the thoughts of the “feminist collective” (what a joke) I am unfollowing you guys right now. Constance i am lost for words. You enjoy your rapey, choking sex, and while you’re at it try to spare a thought for the millions of women (and children) around the world who have actually been raped or choked to death by a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, because of whores like you make them think its acceptable, fun and sexually stimulating. But, you know, as long as YOU get off, that’s all that matters right? Because the world revolves around your vagina, you selfish bitch.
Well, you know what, love? The world actually does revolve around my vagina. (Though, I’m not Constance.) It’s awesome. There’s entire solar systems in there, also, unicorns and glitter. It’s fucking magic.
And one of the things about my vagina? I only allow the people into it that I want. Anyone touching it, or any other part of me, without my permission, that’s assault. My partner hurting me because I ask him to? That’s not. So when you say
How do we hold the power? A few years ago, men were lucky if they were getting any and there was no judgement about the way your vagina looked, they just thanked their lucky stars to be in your pants in the first place. THAT was when we held the power.
Actually, I hold the power because I know what I want and I ask for it. Also, because I know the difference between fantasy and reality. I know that people watch porn for various reasons, and few of those reasons are as a guidebook for How To Do It. I’ve been assaulted, and I’ve been hurt in the context of consensual sex, and I know what the difference is. One is about someone doing something to me I want, one is about someone doing something to me I don’t want. It’s that simple. And porn isn’t the thing that blurs that line. It’s people like you who do that. Because you’re telling women it’s not OK to ask for what gets them off. It’s not OK to like what you like. What you like is getting other women raped. No. I’ve said this so many time. On the internet. On TV, and in my life. The only thing that causes rape is rapists.
I am not going to link to the studies, because a) not a 101 blog, and b) Emma is significantly more knowledgable about this stuff than me. But porn doesn’t cause violence against women.
Futhermore, when you say this:
Rapists come from all demographics. The one thing they have in common is they don’t respect women. They treat women like objects. Pornography does not portray the act of sex as a loving consentual act between a man and a woman. It most often portrays sex as an act done to a woman by a man, or several woman at once, or an act done by two or more men to a woman, or encourages violence against women. I think women who participate in pornography, and those who condone it are disrespecting themselves.
Actually, you are the one being disrespectful to those women. You’re assuming they are not there consensually, of their own free will. You’re assuming they don’t know better. You’re assuming they don’t like it. Well, frankly, fuck you. You don’t know their lives. I’m not going to say every woman in pron or sex work is there consensually, but a good number are. Oh, and when you say porn portrays sex as something done by a man to a woman (Hi! someone remind the gays they don’t get porn. Ahem), actually, again, that’s you doing it. Because that other quote up there, when you talked about our “power? That was you saying that women’s sexuality is something that is to be taken away from us, something we give to men. That’s you giving all the power to men. When frankly, that’s bullshit.
Men are never going to put a stop to it, they are sitting back with dicks in hand while women are handed to them on a silver platter – brothels, strip clubs, internet porn. Where are the men parading for us? It’s up to women to stand together and say enough is enough. Sadly that is never going to happen.
Yeah. Again, um, bullshit. Emma and I walked with two people on slutwalk. They were both men. But no, you assume that men are all drooling rapey monsters, and it’s just the porn that makes them cross the line. I assume you’re also against women wearing short skirts, because presumably all those men can’t cope with that, either. Nah. Most of the men I know can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Also, as you were told over on Facebook, and we’ve written about here, one of the great things about BDSM sex is that the people involved (sensibly) in it are really good about negotiating boundaries, having safe words. And I would never let someone I haven’t had that conversation with tie me up and hurt me.
So, this morning, you asked why is it OK to simulate rape? Because, between two (or more) consenting adults, everything is OK. Because “consensual rape” is an oxymoron. Because what I do in my bedroom (and my living room, and my backyard) is none of your fucking business.
I see this woman is now off to find some “actual feminists”. Cool. Those ones who love to judge other women for what they do, who assume all men are evil, and who think it is completely OK to call other women whores and bitches. They’ll embrace her.